Category Archives: Humor

One Trillion Carbon Offsets Go On Auction Block

Six years ago this month, it took about 10 seconds to “purchase” a free Certificate of Carbon Offsets (below) from this site.  According to my certificate, I became the owner of one trillion carbon offsets. Now, I’m ready to sell them to the highest bidder.

My Carbon Offsets Certificate

Why would I sell such a valuable document? Because I no longer feel worthy of owning it.

After all, I failed to follow the advice of the people at  FreeCarbonOffsets.com who issued the certificate which, according to the site’s About section, was created with me in mind. In a nutshell, I did not display my certificate for all to see. I did not show others that I cared about the environment. As a result, I spoiled my opportunity to live “worry and guilt free” while helping to fight global warming.

Save me from my self-inflicted pain. Make me an offer. Any offer! Highest bid wins ONE-TRILLION CARBON OFFSETS.

As Ronald Reagan might say, “The bombing bidding begins in five minutes.”

Click on image above to order Bob's books.

Click on image above to order Bob’s books.

Could Online Dating Site Help USA Wage War on Terror?

EDITOR’S NOTE:  With Islamic terrorism still a hot-button issue and stories surfacing about Western teenage girls wanting to join Islamic terror groups, I thought I’d lighten the mood and share some humor below that I shared for the first time in a post seven years ago this month. Enjoy!

Click image above to read story.

Click image above to read story.

Today, I read an article which stirred in me an idea that might lead to greater success in waging the War on Terror. After sharing this idea online, I fully intend to share it with intelligence officials in Washington, D.C.

The article chronicled the story of a girl who, two years ago at the age of 16, left her home in Michigan on an adventure that would eventually lead her to Tel Aviv — at least she hoped it would. Once at her destination, she planned to marry a Palestinian man she met online. The high school student didn’t reached her destination, but came close. After flying halfway around the world, she was detained by U.S. authorities in Amman, Jordan, had her passport confiscated and was sent back to the United States.

After reading the article, I couldn’t help but think that, if a 16-year-old was able to lure a then-20-year-old Palestinian man into an online love affair that almost culminated in marriage, a crop of older, wiser professional women with covert spying experience should be able to do the same job, but with even greater success.

An idea began percolating in my mind.

Instead of marriage, the intent would be to lure suspected members of Middle Eastern terrorist groups into online “love traps” of our own making.

To lead our online assault strategy, we can tap Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his team of matchmaking minds at eHarmony.com. They can assist the nation’s intelligence agencies in setting up a social networking site designed to attract jihad-crazy Muslims who are either members of or supporters of known terrorist organizations, including Hamas, Hezbollah, Al-Qaeda and others. We’ll call the project “JiHarmony.com.”

In much the same way as eHarmony.com narrows the field of potential mates from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles with whom one shares deep levels of compatibility, JiHarmony.com will narrow the field of likely Islamic extremists down to a smaller number who share deep-seeded hatred for Western ideologies.

Unlink other sites, such as the Wanted by the FBI web site, that match criminals based on a picture and a paragraph, JiHarmony.com will identify likely terrorists based on their incompatibility with the most important areas of life — like Western values, character, intellect, sense of humor, spiritual beliefs, passion, and up to 24 other dimensions.Once we identify the terrorists based on information they submitted via the JiHarmony.com web site, we can set them up on “dates” with Western intelligence operatives posing as their compatibility “matches.”

You can figure out the rest from here. Let me know if you think it will work.

Though I received no feedback from anyone in the U.S. Intelligence Community about this idea, I find it hard to believe they wouldn’t implement it. After all, it’s BRILLIANT!  Isn’t it?

Click on image above to order Bob's books.

Click on image above to order Bob’s books.